The sky was blue as I was walking briskly chasing after taxi. Lately I haven't had a chance to see anything other than hotel rooms, buildings, and conventions because I am busy exchanging my time with singing from one event to another. The last cab was filled with other people who were quicker to reach the car door handle. Ouch, if only I didn't left my cell phone in the room. At the end I decided to just walk to the city park.
It was my inner voice that led the way. When I'm alone like this, I like to hum. And suddenly all the uncertainty couldn't threaten me any longer. My footsteps became lighter, my body jumped slightly sometimes , reflecting my prayers for the award little girl that live inside me. I calm down. Everything will be fine.
People in this city are very friendly, they respect my alone time in this park even though they know who I am. Some people smile and called my name. A couple greeted me and invited me to share a place under the shade of an oak tree. I lay myself down not far from the couple. I started to remember the first day I met Martin.
Today I sing for an event that I really looking forward to. The celebration of the 70th anniversary of a nursing home. Public buses between regions can only take me to the nearest bus stop. I walked along the gravel path as the sun getting higher and higher over large trees that were probably the same age as me.
Wait, what time is it? I realize I was too relaxed, I fixed my grip on the bag containing Maxi, my guitar, and jogged. My glasses sagged, my backpack bobbed on my back. A house complex with pastel paint slowly reveals itself. I can see the small banner from afar, a sign for the party.
"Welcome to the Sunflower Nursing Home" was written on the wooden block above the doorway. I perset. Quiet.
Walking in and gasping, I just passed the retro looking living room. At a glance I saw the furniture made of wood, ceramics, and glass mosaics. The colors are soft like it's dry season. At the end of hallway, there was a patio that connected to a pretty little hall. Inside, there were several elderly sitting around round tables. The terrace overlooks a large garden filled with vegetables, fruit and colorful flowers.
All the elders looked fit and excited. Some are decorating cake with sprinkles and flowers . They looked very active. Several young people my age accompany them and decorate the cake together. A capable looking middle-aged woman introduced herself and directed me to the changing room. Another male companion looked busy breaking up two fighting elders. Others greet and wave, calling my name. I smiled and nod. It looks like I’m the only one who’s gonna perform today.
I went to the changing room which is located near the kitchen. Looks like a small, cleaned warehouse. That house was shiny and filled with the smell of sponge cake. I became hungry.
Bruk!
Someone hit me.
My body fell on the backpack which was still on my back. My gaze is blurred.
My guitar hits the tiles.
"Ouch! S-s-sorry! “, I heard a young male voice.
The quarreling grandfather was now cursing from afar. The other grandmother carelessly called the name of the person she remembered in the room to help me.
That young man also sat down. He wagged his apron while I stroked my butt which now hurt so badly. He tried to get up and squat down, then held out my glasses. My hands are still busy not readily enough to accept it. So he put my glasses back on my face.
The view before my eyes was far more beautiful than the furniture and gardens I saw in this house. I couldn’t care about people making noises in the back of my head.
I really couldn't move my eyes from this guy's face.
My cheeks must be red now.
"Sorry, I move too fast.", He said while showing me his sponge cake.
His dark brown eyes looked into mine sharply. I was dumbfounded. He too was dumbfounded. In that time, I swore I could count the colors in his eyes.
Well, that afternoon I had an impromptu percussion group. Maxi the guitar turned into a drum. That young man who bumped into me, his name is Martin along with the nursing home assistants adding sounds to my drum beats using cooking utensils. There was a srash...srash... sound of salt in the bottle, sring… sring… from the egg mixer in the aluminum bowl, tap… tap… from silk and cutting board, and duk… duk… from stone pestle. The elders also clapped their hands. A magical day to remember.
That afternoon Martin drove me to the bus stop so I could catch up on the last bus schedule. In the car, my stomach sank strangely at his voice. We have so many things in common. I wanted to keep singing and Martin wanted to keep baking.
Martin and I loved going to the beach and daydreaming together.
There, everywhere, we share the joy of having success in our future.
Often we spent a long time on the beach. In other free time, we will go to spend the weekend at the Nursing Home.
Four years have passed since that day.
My music was played in various countries and Martin built a thriving patisserie in the down town with an equally bustling branch everywhere. Sunflower Cake Shop. The sponge cake is the star. I still remember how busy we were preparing for the opening day. The next morning, we delivered the cakes to the Nursing Home. I giggled when I remembered that time. Especially when I see a photo of the elders eating cakes together in front of the sign of the Sunflower Nursing Home.
In the past, Martin was the first to hear my new song. Like I was the first to try the new cake.
In the past, Martin was the first to hear my new song. Like I was the first to try the new cake.
Now, gradually, the habit has become a list that we insert into our routine.
We rarely see each other.
The days when I took the time to come and fulfilled my longing to see him by eating cake at his shop after performing at a music festival were long gone. At that time, I often invited my musician friends to the cake shop just to spend the afternoon and jam together. If I got lucky, one or two visitors will join in. Martin always had a way to greet me through the playlist that he played at the store. He said, my album Love Letter is his favorite album.
Honestly, consciously unconscious, we began to exclude each other.
I don't know when we stopped giving and sharing space as Liana and Martin together.
At that time we were both lazy to face reality.
We went through our respective routines as we should and left our relationship just like that.
Our commonalities that we thought were our strength became a test of approval.
When we start we were both dreamers the we growing up to be equally irresponsible of ourselves and each other. Until finally all of small matters piling up and materialised in a bitter experience that are keep coming.
One morning, I woke up and couldn't speak.
I can't make a sound. At all.
In my panic, the first person I contacted was my assistant.
Ruth picked me up and we went to the hospital to see a specialist. Along the way, I wailed while clutching my neck, throwing thousands of questions at her.
The death sentence fell that day.
"Liana, you have vocal cords paralysis."
I tried to understand this new term I just heard by repeating it over and over in my head.
However, the more I repeated myself, the more meaningless it became ...
Doctor said, I have to rest completely and cancel my plans for the next 3 months for observation. For best results, he advised me to take complete rest for the next 6 months.
…
My forehead frowned, trying to understand what he said amid the rumbling sound inside my head.
On the same day, Martin opened another new branch in a neighboring country, I was hospitalized. My assistant called him and Martin bought the first plane ticket the next day. I still remember we cried together. I still remember we ended up holding each other's hands after all this time.
Yes. In the hospital room.
My heart was really heavy, it's really hard for me. While I had the first two weeks of therapy. Martin is preoccupied with a line of media covering the success of the Sunflower Cake Shop, while my vocal cords was not getting better. According to Martin, he have many work contracts that cannot be canceled.
Plus, the doctor said I had to add another two weeks at the hospital.
My heart was really heavy, it's really hard for me. While I had the first two weeks of therapy. Martin is preoccupied with a line of media covering the success of the Sunflower Cake Shop, while my vocal cords was not getting better. According to Martin, he have many work contracts that cannot be canceled.
Plus, the doctor said I had to add another two weeks at the hospital.
Perfect.
I'm afraid.
I'm really scared.
What if I get cursed and never get back to singing?
Or even speak?
What did I do wrong?
I always do vocal exercises properly, drink herbs, eat fruits, plant-based diet, and exercise. Everything is in order.
Where's did I messed up?
Ruth, my new assistant who had just replaced Nina who was on maternity leave, said softly while hugging me, "Sis, I'm new here, but I could see that you are not getting enough rest. Maybe you should rest. Think about the tour plan when you get better, Sis. " I cried as loud as my mute vocal cords, hit the hospital pillow and kicked the bundle of blanket on my leg.
In the second month I can choose outpatient treatment with regular specialist visits. My music listeners providing me with support via social media and emails made me feel not so alone. That afternoon in the seventh week I was sick, Martin said he would come to my house.
Until the sun goes down I waited, he didn't come.
I read and listened to voice messages and messages from Martin, Ruth, my team, producers, music labels and my fans while resting my chin to my knees on the piano chair. Since I got sick, my team decided to change strategy to give me time to recover.
I feel like they are walking forward without me.
Ruth faithfully came to accompany me in therapy sessions in between her other busy schedule. Sometimes she and the music label team come with musical instruments. We will play music together and kill time. I never imagined I had to playing guitar in silence.
My doctor officially becomes my support system. Every now and then Martin sends flowers and postcards. The latest news, he is pitching to several investors. How many shops that he wanted to open?, I thought. I never recovered.
In the third month, I had to go back to the hospital. I curse myself for being this boring person who
spent her life on therapy. I get tired easily. When I get tired, it hurts my throat and slows down the healing of my vocal cords. The only loyal friend who is always there for me is Maxi the guitar.
But I'm not interested in playing him anymore.
Maybe if I closed my eyes longer, I would wake up at the end of a nightmare.
Maybe if I closed my eyes longer, I would wake up at the end of a nightmare.
I opened my eyes lying in the hospital room. I saw that there was a sunflower beside Maxi who had moved to the small chair beside the bed. Oh, Martin!
"Liana dear, are you awake?"
Oh my God I almost forgot his quiet voice.
I searched for his hand and held it tight.
I realized that I still far from the end of my nightmare, I shed tears while nodding.
“Li, I know you are still sick but I bring you good news. My sponge cake passed the partnership with an airline and will be their main snack. My sponge cake will travel to many countries, Li! ”He said excitedly. I smiled weakly. I'm so proud of you Martin.
You're great, I said silently.
We hugged for a moment before Martin said,
“I think I can open factory branches overseas and penetrate markets outside Southeast Asia. Just imagine Li, the logo of the Sunflower Cake Shop is everywhere. "
I smiled broadly. I pulled Martin's hand to kiss him, but it stopped because Martin said, “It's a shame we can't celebrate it together because you're sick. But I am happy that you are hospitalized, because at least there are nurses to take care of you. Because I can't, Li, I can’t accompany you. You understand, Li. I have to look after the shop and I’ll be really busy. I will never forget you. Please continue to support me. I'll let you know when I come back from Holland. "
I froze. Just now he shared his plan to open the branch, then now he will just go? Did he just come to convey his decision? My heart sank and fell to the lowest ground floor of this hospital building. Either my heart or my liver, one of the two may have already been lying at the basement parking floor.
I don't know how many times I wash my face with my tears.
Martin leaves, Ruth and my music label team are busy with their new project.
Until when am I going to get stuck like this?
I’m addicted to affection from people commenting and sending fast-healing messages on social media. I felt Pathetic.
I promise.
I will recover. Whatever the doctor says, I’ll obey.
I have to return my vocal cords to the way it was before.
It's true Ruth said, it's my time to rest, it's my time to come back to myself.
I took Maxi the guitar and strummed it.
1 song ... 3 songs ... 7 songs ... my hands didn't stop playing, it brought me back to the sense of peace I have been missing for so long. The realization that I have myself, sends energy to all over the body. A pleasant sensation.
In the fourth month I spent 1 month in the hospital. Again. But I'm not complaining. I even played Maxi for the doctor. Knowing I regained my excitement, the doctor invited me to play guitar for some of the children who were hospitalized. Receiving therapy and giving therapy is my new routine.
Finally the doctor sent me home. I do outpatient therapy and only go to the hospital if it's an emergency. Even so, I still came to the hospital and played guitar. At that time I had a permanent shift like an employee. Three times a week, my music is blaring to all the room speakers. From lulling a newborn baby to calming a dying parent.
My therapy continues. Every week, doctors come to my house to monitor the progress of my voice. The health slowly improved. I began to speak and hum a little at the end of the fifth month.
I forgot the last time I heard about Martin. Sometime during the same week, a pile of postcards from him arrived almost simultaneously in the sixth month I was sick. Some of them have fingerprints with chocolate or cheese. Typical Martin when writing letters to me. He knows that I like aroma. So he will hold the cake he is eating whatever it is and leave a trail on the paper. One of the postcards even came with a miniature ceramic castle.
I opened the WhatsApp chat room on my cell phone, ticked one since two days ago. Maybe Martin is really busy working on the production factory in Holland. He must be exhausted there. I spent one afternoon filing postcards from Martin and sending prayer for his success.
An incoming message came from Ruth. A news link with a copy-pasted quote, "Young Indonesian entrepreneurs have added a production branch in the Netherlands, working with local flour brands." I scrolled through the article and found Martin's photo. Next to him were 1 woman and 2 men. All of them have an Indonesian face. It must be his team. I never knew who Martin went to Holland with or with which team. They must be very proud now and I am happy for Martin. I started looking for other articles and stuck to an interview about Martin and Meta, apparently Sunflower Cake Shop Brand Strategists. "We are often together, but we are professional colleagues," said Martin. In interviews about his personal life, he made no mention of our relationship. At the end of the interview, there is a question about me, "Is Mas Martin's girlfriend Liana supportive?" Martin replied, "Yes, she is my main supporter. I'm lucky to have her. " I don't know anything about his plans to the Netherlands… and I'm not his cheerleader… Mixed emotions suddenly rise from my belly.
It's been 7 months since I was diagnosed with vocal cords paralysis.
Slowly, I practiced singing again. It was funny, like a child learning to sing a tune for the first time. I started over. I no longer come to the hospital.
I got my music label team to create a dedicated video and audio channel that can be accessed free of charge and enjoyed by everyone everywhere.
There, Maxi and I created dozens of instrumental music during my quarantine.
During my illness, I also diligently sent music compositions to my social media and made it a weekly record of my progress journey. It is great because some people open up and share stories of their ups and downs. Even fellow singers and musicians from different labels responded to my music. We also started planning long-term instrumental collaborative concerts.
Rest is the main thing I do. Even though I have started playing music again, I don't want to overworked myself. The recovery process helped me grow up mentally. I am more and more present within myself, do what made me happy and whatever I want at that moment. Knowing that I have lots of people who are also facing difficulties and that my music reaches out to them makes me happier and more meaningful. I seemed to have pressed the reset button. It turns out that rest has such a big impact on my body and the way I think.
Feeling much healthier, I also have ideas for Martin's birthday next month. I will surprise him. He didn't know that I slowly could sing again. Even if I haven't fully recovered yet, I'm going to learn to sing him a happy birthday. Maybe this can bring us closer again.
That day I contacted Jeffry, Martin's assistant. The last time Martin sent me a voice note, Martin would arrive in Indonesia one week before his birthday. I told him that I was going to be in intensive therapy and couldn't see him. Martin didn't protest. Jeffry and I also planned a surprise at the Sunflower Cake Shop. Martin always stopped by their first store on the outskirts of town at the end of the week for a cup of tea. I'll sing him a happy birthday through the shop loudspeakers! He will surely be happy. I have one month to prepare myself, I will also practice singing the song I wrote for him. I started to work on myself.
The day I've been waiting for has arrived! I can already sing the full happy birthday song and one verse of my song. Yay! A quick progress in one month without injuring my vocal cords again.
Anyway, Jeffry texted Martin making sure he came to the bakery that afternoon and I sent him a mysterious message in the morning. Hihi, I can't wait to see his face! Oh, what is Martin like now after almost two months of not seeing him?
Well, I know we rarely met before, but somehow this time it was very special.
I feel so ready. I was wearing a yellow dress jogging carrying Maxi in my left hand down from the motorcycle taxi to the Sunflower Cake Shop. Looks like my disguise worked hihihi. Wow, it's been a long time since I left the house! Especially Martin's cake shop!
Everyone welcomes me with joy. Most of the teams in the first shop were those who started the Sunflower Cake Shop from the start. I miss spending time with them.
“Liana, it's been a long time since you came here. I heard from Jeffry that you are healed, right? ”
"Hello, Pak Bambang! Wow, I miss you. Yes, I've started to recover even though it's not perfect. "
"Ah you just need a break, here I give you a new cake that I made last week." Pak Bambang handed her a piece of yellow cake.
"Waaaah so cute!", Hap! one big bite into my mouth. “Hahaha, you are really different from Meta. She will first look at it closely, ask questions, take photos, then try it out. " Deg. That name ...
"That Meta, she is Sunflower Cake Shop Brand Strategist right Pak ?" I asked while chewing slowly.
"Yes, she often mention bren-bren like that, but I think the important thing is our products, as long as they are good, people will definitely like them. "
"Meta is often with Martin, right?"
"Yeah. But calm down, Li, I often reminded Martin to bring you here. Meta also curious about how you are. I just answered that you are like a sunflowers. " I chuckled, but my I didn't feel good. I almost forgot my mission if Jeffry didn't text me. I waited for Jeffry's cue in the kitchen. The sign I need to get ready at the control room and sing in front of the loudspeaker.
Pak Bambang and the team cheered me on. In the control room, I met Tom, who was also in charge of monitoring the CCTV in the same room.
"Ma'am, Martin's car has entered the shop area."
I adjusted my seat comfortably and cleared my throat. I looked at the screen while making a square pitching Maxi. If my guitar was a dog, maybe he was jumping up and down with impatience.
The car is parked, two car doors open. It must be Meta. They look very comfortable and laugh entering the room. I was stunned at them until finally Tom cleared his throat. I dispelled the thought and started singing.
I sang successfully for Martin.
Martin rushed to hug me after I got out of the control room.
He congratulated me on the full return of my voice. I'm saying that it's not completely heal yet. However, my response was meaningless. Because after that I spent time sitting with Martin and Meta, listening to their insight jokes and their experiences in Holland. I'm so pissed off. Like a student who has to catch up in class. Meta also has a surprise.
He gave Martin the sweater he made and told Martin not to be cold anymore. Meta said, Martin recently had a cold easily because he was tired. Meta also said that chamomile tea is good for Martin. Meta says A, Meta says B. Zzzzzz ...
"Martin, let's go home and continue chat at home I'm tired," I said
"Yes sure, we can drive Meta home first, it’s late"
“Thanks Martin. It's okay, Li? ”, Said Meta.
"It's okay, I also came here on a motorcycle taxi earlier."
"Oh, you didn’t bring your car ?" Martin asked.
"Yes, I really want to go home with you, we haven’t met for a long time."
In the car, Meta always made jokes from the traffic regulation signs he saw on the road. Apparently, they got lost on a tram in Holland. “Your trip sounds really exciting. I haven't heard the full story yet. ”My blunt words made Martin and Meta silent along the way.
After dropping Meta off at her house, Martin said to me,
"Li, are you jealous?"
"Yes, you rarely say anything to me. Earlier I felt like a third wheeler, I wonder who's dating who, hehe. " Martin smiled wryly.
“Martin, if you have something to say to me, just say it now. I need you to see me and listen to me, and make time for me. The last time you said because I was sick, we couldn't celebrate your new store branch. Until now I’m already healed, why is it so hard to get your attention. "
Martin sighed. "Li, don't make me feel like this, please."
"Is it really hard for you?", I asked.
Martin was silent. Finally, we apologized to each other and promised each other to work on our relationships. I don't understand how technically. Deep down, I no longer see us in the same way …
My instrumental music collaboration project has just launched. After the uncomfortable conversation between Martin and me, we were listening to each other a lot more now. We started visiting each other and Martin took part in some of my vocal cord therapy sessions. It doesn't feel like it has been nearly 10 months since my vocal cords paralysis which I now consider to be a valuable lesson.
That morning I was busy receiving flowers, cakes, gifts, and happy birthday cards that came from many addresses. I even forgot that today is my birthday. Some come from the nurses who treated me at the hospital, my doctors, children who have recovered from the hospital, and some new listeners who send me sweet messages and poetry to my e-mail. That morning Martin sent a text. One text for birthday wishes and five texts to explain that he was in the hospital because Meta was unconscious.
I rolled to the same hospital. This time to see Meta condition. On the same floor, I greeted several familiar faces and asked for direction. A nurse escorted me to a room. From the outside I saw Martin sitting by the bed. I entered the room. Martin kissed my forehead and wished me a happy birthday.
I smile. Meta lying down on the mattress. Poor Meta, he looked really pale and weak. I know from Martin that Meta has typhus. I saw Martin's sad face. After the doctor came for the visit and the visiting time was over, I took Martin looking for healthy food around the hospital. I want to take Martin away from fatigue for a moment.
We sat across from each other at a Japanese restaurant. I ordered Martin's favorite warm tsukimi udon. I myself ordered sushi and warm miso soup. Hmmm it's been a long time since we dated together like this.
"Tin, eat the udon first."
"I have no appetite, Li. If Meta is sick, how about the Matahari Kue Toko. I emailed the team earlier, there is a team that would handle it, but if Meta doesn't direct them, I'm not sure they understand. "
I put down the spoon and stared silently at Martin's face. So, Martin is sad because Meta unable to work? Who is this selfish man sitting opposite me.
"Li, I have to be ready to back up," he said as he typed quickly on the cellphone screen.
“Tin, Meta is tired. Now the most important thing is Meta healing. It's clear that the doctor said at least 2 weeks of healing. The doctors are also reliable. Now what Meta needs is support from her boss to recover. ”
“Hmmm, I'll ask Jeffry to monitor Meta. I'll send a message to him for a moment. ” Martin busy typing messages to his assistant.
"Do I have to get into your team first to get attention like this Meta?" I joked while enjoying my avocado sushi.
"Li, it's not funny, you know." Martin snapped.
I paused for a moment.
"Yes, it's not funny, Tin." I continued eating calmly.
-
I left Martin in the hospital lamenting his commander who was beaten after being hit by a war in a row. It must be tiring to have a boss like Martin. I pray for Meta's recovery. Earlier, his two brothers came to the hospital. On the way home from the hospital, Martin said he had a surprise for me. But he said I have to wait until evening. I asked him why because he said he had to prepare for a crisis because Meta was sick. What crisis? I think its really hard to be an entrepreneur. I'm getting tired of hearing the reasons.
I drove home.
When I got to the garage, I got out of the car, startled by, Nina, my old assistant, Ruth, and my music label team playing the music we used to play when we still poor. I'm not exaggerating, in the past I had to borrow money from the bank to pay myself and the team so I could focus on making music. When I was nobody, they were people who believed in my music and my abilities. I rushed out and hugged whomever my arms could reach. Nina even took her baby who is almost 12 months old. I really miss Nina. I invited them into the house. We finished all the cakes I received, cooked together, played music together until the sun went down. I am very happy to be together with them again.
_ _
"Li, our subscriber channel has increased to 1 million a night," said Ruth.
"Huh, seriously? Even though instrumental music is a new project, right? ”I said.
"You know, Li, I've been contacted by sponsors if you want to tour, they want to support us," said Nina.
"Wow, really happy, yay we can go out together hahaha. Where do you want to go next year? ”I teased the label team.
The middle door connecting the living room and garden where we were gathered was suddenly wide open. Martin came with 5 sunflower seed muffins with the letters L-I-A-N-A as a candle embedded in each cake.
"Happy birthday, dear Liana, sorry the fire died in the wind," said Martin, smiling broadly.
Ruth swiftly picked up a match and lit a candle.
I kissed Martin on the cheek and hugged his arm anxiously before blowing out the candle and handing out the cake to my label team.
We sat and spent the evening together. I saw Martin check his watch several times.
"Martin wants to go again?"
"Yes, I was a little tired after I met Meta's team."
“Oh, just stay here. Meta siblings are waiting for you, right? ”
"Yes, it's already done about that. I want to go home, Li. Besides, you still want to hang out with your team right? "
"Yes, they are still here, but if you want to rest, you can just go upstairs."
… tring… the sound of Martin's cell phone notification rang on the table.
meta@icloud.com Mart, thanks for the fruits, there’s so plenty of them, can last a week. I will definitely recover.
The message was clear on the screen. Martin stuttered to take his cellphone and said, "Just now, I bought fruit from the restaurant for Meta."
"Good boss.", I said smiling as he looked into his eyes.
_ _
It’s obvious Martin felt guilty about Meta who got sick because of overwork. I think Martin's ego has skyrocketed since his success. Anything is bartered for the reputation of the Sunflower Cake Shop. Our relationship, the time he had, his team being overwhelmed, I don't know what. He used to dream that he could continue baking until he died. Now it seems that it is just a matter of time waiting for Pak Bambang to be knocked down by Martin.
Oh God forbid.
Pak Bambang, I stared at his name appearing on my phone, I just think about him he already called.
"Liana, this is Pak Bambang." Pak Bambang's voice trembled.
"Yes Pak, how are you?", I said soothingly.
“Grandpa Bambi slipped in the garden this afternoon. Jeffry just arrived at the orphanage. "
"Geez sir, how come you didn't talk to me earlier. I have a loudspeaker, sir. I'll also go there later. "
"If you want, invite Martin too. Grandpa Bambi is still in the hospital. I go to the orphanage just to drop Jeffry because Jeffry wants to stay overnight. I will watch him tonight, tomorrow I switch with Jeffry. "
"Okay sir, let's wait for us there."
I told Martin and the label team who were still together. I am very worried about Grandpa Bambi's condition.
“Li, you can't just say yes that we are going to be there tonight too. I still have to deal with the branding team tomorrow. "
“Martin, choose what is important for you and what you can do it at this time. I won't decide anything for you.
It was a very strange afternoon, I'm sure everyone in my garden feels the same way. Rapid change of nuance, from one emotion to another.
When I was ill. I reflected a lot. From the pain that I learned a valuable lesson.
My strength, which I thought was the only one I have, was temporarily taken away so that I could see inside myself, I’m the one who is the closest one to me and I ignored her.
The healing process really opened my mind. Looking at Martin's life, reminds me of myself before I got sick. I'm busy worrying about my career path and reputation. Every day I think about how I should perform instead of knowing who I want to be and what I'm singing for. I forget about making time for the people who were really there for me from the start. I even forgot the last time I gave time for myself. The world seemed to spin around me.
Once I got what I wanted, I became accustomed to it and became greedy. As soon as something happened against my will, I felt like a failure. I’m always haunted by these feelings that I’m not enough. Now I no longer want to be preoccupied with thinking about things beyond my control. I promise I will love myself more and then I’ll love Martin ...
I arrived at the hospital. I was to late. Grandpa Bambi's already passed away. I found Mr. Bambang shedding tears, when he saw me he opened his arms to welcome me. I hugged him and stroked his back. Jeffry helps Pak Bambang take care of hospital administration. Pak Bambang said everyone at the Nursing Home had gathered and prayed together. That night Grandpa Bambi would be taken home and bathed. Everyone will send him to the next mystery world. We will grieve by remembering Mr. Bambi's kindness, paying our last respects tomorrow. The next day, the cremation house will pick him up. Some of the elders who are still healthy and several companions will accompany them.
Grief crept into the surface. As if all the organs in my body come into agreement to celebrate this deep sadness. I let my tears flow washing my face.
After losing Grandpa Bambi, the grandparents at the Nursing Home were filled with fear. Their age is not so much different with Grandpa Bambi makes them think that anyone can be the next one. Since the cremation ceremony, the head of nursing home and I agreed to create a regular event to motivate and entertain the elders again after a few weeks of gloom and mourning.
I am so glad Martin and Jeffry can accompany Pak Bambang to release half of Grandpa Bambi ashes on the hill where Grandpa Bambi used to take Pak Bambang to spend his childhood. We spent the day with Pak Bambang, helping him tidy up Grandpa Bambi's room, and joking about Grandpa Bambi's habits.
Instantly my problem with Martin were swept away. Or what I thought ...
That day I planned to present my idea to have the elders collaborate on my musical instrument project. Staying long enough at the nursing home after Grandpa Bambi died made me excited because apparently some of them could play music and like to hum a little. That morning Martin came to see me. Maybe he wants to be in my project too. Wow, I’m happy!
"Li, I need to talk," said Martin.
"Sure, let’s go talk in the garden, the house will be visited by some volunteers who’ll clean the house. They are really cool, you know, very clean, neat, and very sensitive. They comfort the elders too. One of them can cook. Have a meal with us later, Tin. "
Martin smiled and followed me into the garden.
I haven't seen Martin dressed casually like this in a long time. He also doesn't have his cellphone with him. His body smells good. I'm excited ...
"Li ..."
"Yes, dear ...", I said with a smile while stretching my legs in the grass under the Maja tree.
"I don’t know where to start"
"Starting from what you feel now, Tin."
Martin looks funny walking back and forth between the tomato and eggplant beds.
“I feel like I have to juggle our relationship. Plus we are now far apart. "
"2 hours only."
"Looks like our goals are far apart."
"Oh yes? Where are you going, Tin? "
"Li, actually since you were sick, I had a hard time facing you."
…
…
Martin doesn't look funny anymore. Now he looks like a parent who is overwhelmed with his child's bad grades on the report cards. It's strange how a person's image can change so drastically.
…
…
"Am I Burdening you?", I asked slowly while bending my knees
…
"That's not what it means, Li."
"So what do you mean, Tin?" I said softly.
"I'm focused on my work now ..."
"Me too,I want to invite you to collaborate on my project as well."
"Your work doesn't take up time, Li ..."
"I made this project in the middle of next year's tour plans."
"You still can relax, Li ..."
"Yes, because I had lost my voice yesterday."
"I'm even tired of talking to you about this."
"Because you never really rest, Tin."
Martin's face flushed in a sign of resentment.
"Okay, Tin, if this is indeed a burden, just say so. Let's just separate. I thought you came to see me looking this good to spend quality time together, but it seems like you want to break up. Hehe… ”, I chuckled as I started shedding tears.
"Li, I don't mean to..."
" You keep saying ‘that’s not what you mean’ so what do you really mean Tin?."
…
…
"I feel you are a burden to me and my project. The dream that we talked about together back then feel so far away. If I imagine my future, I can’t picture you there anymore, Li. ”Martin's eyes filled with tears.
I choked. "Since when, Tin?"
"I don't know, Li, but the feelings surface even more when you were sick."
I want to disappear to the ground as well.
For the first time I envied tree. I want me to be this maja tree because it must be weird for a human to stay frozen like me right now. At least, if I was born into a tree, I wouldn't really look like I was half-possessed now.
"Wow, Tin, for a moment, it really hurts to hear that."
We were quiet for a long, long time.
Fortunately, it was not until the harvest time for tomatoes and eggplants. Because then a sound from nowhere came from deep in my throat.
"Tin, I'll try to accept it."
I continued, "I'm aware now that I have always been the one who reached out to you, wanting to help you, waiting for you to see and listen to me. Why am I having to beg for attention from someone who doesn't want me anymore. I think now we've grown apart. We are not companion plants like eggplant and tomatoes anymore. " I laughed again while crying.
"Li, when you say it like that you make it hard for me to let you go. I love you, Li. "
"Gosh, I think you can count the number of times you see me this year with your hand and you said you love me. Ha ha ha ... please, Tin, don't say ‘i love you’ because of your guilt. "
“I didn't realize that you had changed to become stronger and wiser. From the way you deal with your pain, build your project, your relationship with your friends. I don't feel right for you. I hope we can still get along and be friends in the future. I really respect you, Li. ”, Martin cried holding my hand.
"I'm really sick right now, Tin, listening to you talking made me confused.", I pulled my hand from his grip and wiped the mucus from my nose with my sleeve.
"Maybe we should talk again in the next few days?"
"No need, Tin. Just wrap it now. I want to hear from you now what do you want to do. ", I said resolvingly.
…
...
“I can't be with you, Li. I don't feel free. "
… "Ok, I grant your wish, Tin."
We sat on the grass, facing each other, crying, laughing, crying, angry ... We said to each other what we didn't like about each other. We also remember the beautiful things we've made for each of us.
That day I let Martin go. I’m wept in the company of the elders. The news reached Pak Bambang. One morning I woke up surrounded by the smell of cookies. We make a little party, with the main entertainment: Liana who cries because of her heartbreak.
It's strange when two people only can be honest with each other when they are about to separate. Not when they are still in a relationship.
This year I really got tested. It hurts a lot.
I blame myself for being a burden and blame Martin for stopping to listen.
One time, a few months after we broke up, when finally my musical collaboration project with the elders started, Martin called me.
He asked how I was. I replied that I was still hurt and needed time. He called me and asked to get back together. I told him that maybe he was just lonely, and told him just to get used to the pain. Since then, I ignored and Martin stopped contacting me.
Some nights, I cry before I go to sleep. If it took less than 4 minutes to fall in love, why did it take more than four months to move on ?! (Please don't bother to answer it)
Well, it's been 7 years we've been apart. However, I cannot forget our story because the experiences are so intertwined with my healing and music journey. I felt that time was my turning point. Who would have thought my musical instrument project was being watched by a promoter and turned into a social campaign. Who would have thought that I would sing, teach piano, and at the same time provide trauma recovery coaching through music therapy today.
I never heard the news about Martin again. I saw that the Sunflower Cake Shop was still crowded with visitors and was still the main sponsor of some airlines. Since Pak Bambang retired and traveled to various countries as a teacher, nothing connected me to Martin anymore. Except for Jeffry who occasionally shows up because he's my assistant's girlfriend now. Even then, none of us discussed his name. Jeffry resigned from Sunflower Cake Shop a long time ago and now establishes his own consulting business.
CLOSING
I returned to myself under the oak tree. Folded my legs, pulled my memory that had retreated far. I stretched myself and meant to walk back to the hotel. Maybe write something for myself. Then I want to ask my assistant to schedule vacation time for us after tomorrow's concert.
"Excuse me, miss, would you like some cake?", His accent sounds very strange but familiar. The man greeted me, beside him the woman smiled and hugged their dog.
"Hey, thanks for the offer. Actually yes, I was busy day streaming and now I'm hungry. "
We laughed crisply.
“We are from Korea and we are traveling in Europe. We just arrived a couple days ago from Holland. "
"Ah, I see. I was in Korea for study too .. 5 years ago though ... ”.
Instantly the conversation turned into a mixture of Korean and English.
When I was about to eat I froze looking at the cake they offered.
"Were you visiting Amsterdam?", I said while pointing at the cake.
"Yes, of course, it's a must visit city, no, for people who travel like us."
"Haha yeah sure, I was asking because I am familiar with this cake."
“Oh yeah, the owner said it is bolou cake from Indonesia. We bought their bread with sunflower seeds as well. So good. They are famous in Korea too. "
… I chewed in silence… this sponge cake…
"Is it a Sunflower Cake Shop?"
"Yes, matahali ! it's famous in Indonesia too, no? It's keikeu matahali in Korea. "
I had my second sponge cake and sunflower seed muffin.
.
.
The end
Listen to 'Last Cry' song by Flora Marcella at:
This mini novel is brought to you by Ajeng & Flora.
Ajeng Anggrahita is a writer, creative project manager who loves film, shooting with film, and making collages. His favorite food is warm udon.
Ajeng Anggrahita is a writer, creative project manager who loves film, shooting with film, and making collages. His favorite food is warm udon.
Flora is a freelance graphic designer & illustrator who loves singing and songwriting. His favorite foods are tempeh chili bongkot and vegetables.
Ajeng creates characters and writes every word of this novel, while Flora shares the basic storyline, prepares the design and work on the translation. To be able to write and share this story with you is something that makes us happy. But if you want to support us to continue working, we will accept it with deep gratitude.
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